nerves

It’s Monday evening. Chris drove home this morning, after we picked up bagels for our separate homes (geez…). After Chris left, I drove straight to the office to see what it would be like during a weekday during rush hour. It wasn’t too busy; probably a silver-lining symptom of COVID. I filled up my car with gas, got groceries, and updated our family finances spreadsheet. In between all of that, I also did a live Peloton ride and FaceTimed with Kyrsten.

After all of the busyness was behind me, around the mid-afternoon, I started to feel so strange. I know it’s mostly nervousness about the new job and all of the unknowns that come with that. My imposter syndrome is acute right now. I’m trying to remind myself of that cliche that no one knows what they are doing and everyone is winging it. But on top of that, I’m really homesick. I’ve traveled for work a lot over the last decade and spent a lot of time alone, but this feels different. For one, I have to get used to the idea that this could be our new city soon, assuming my new job works out and Chris is still game to move here. I’m also sure that since I went from spending 99% of every waking hour with Kyrsten (or Kyrsten and Chris) to being completely alone has a lot to do with the ennui.

I’m trying very, very, VERY hard not to let negative feelings take over right now. I’m definitely not letting myself wonder if I’m doing the right thing. If I made the right decision. I’m trying to remind myself constantly that we only regret the risks we don’t take; the adventures we don’t go on. No matter what happens, I need to make this an adventure.

Thanks for listening, void.

View from my bike.